New Loves

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Help me. Please?

The world is filled with beauty and wonder and, yet hundreds of thousands of millions of people have and will continue to die from natural disasters or diseases. Yet, I’m still alive. I have IBS; big deal I poop a lot or just don’t. There are people much less fortunate than I.  Yet, I find myself asking, “Why me?” There are those who wish death upon themselves, death of their minds and bodies, but to no avail are stuck in the complexity of their minds. My mind is torn. Every time I catch a glimpse of the free spirit that I would one day hope to be, I am flooded with emotions, and left wondering how many breaths it’ll take to get there. It’s overwhelming. Indeed there are ways to get there. There are books, therapists, and most importantly faith in God and his presence in your life. So why me? Why am I trapped in this insanity? Like most super heroes who do not understand that it is their fate to shape this earth, I too search desperately for an answer. My growth is limited thus far by my inability to move on from my past and remove all negativity from my future. Oh, how I wish to disappear or find a way to erase all of my past memories. Is ignorance really bliss? Isn’t it my awareness of my problems that causes me such dwelling sadness? My dependence to this world has me feeling even more indecisive. This insight splits me in half. I know not whether tomorrow is really a brighter day. Nothing is really pointing that way and yet it’s the only thing that keeps me going. I have no faith in myself, but God does. I have prayed to die. Then in near death experiences I have prayed for guidance to get better. I prolong death; it’s an uber scary scary thought. There is no such thing as a perfect death; seeking it only makes things worse. I’m aware there’s something more to this than I thought there would be. I never pictured a future for myself. Call it self-sabotage. I can’t think of it being anything but. 

May 18, 2008 Posted by | Sorting it Out | 2 Comments